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bearded bicycles

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Beard Legend

Posts: 1481

May 19 12 3:17 AM

Certified Advisor

http://www.sexualpositionsfree.com/chanposakait.html

The Italian Chandelier

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.

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Posts: 1691

May 19 12 4:26 AM

I thought people would find that link handy... Thanks for adding it up smiley: roll

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bearded bicycles

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Beard Legend

Posts: 1481

May 19 12 1:17 PM

Certified Advisor

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.

The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, How did it go? The first whispers back: It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection. The second dwarf shook his head. You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't
even get on the bed!

.

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Posts: 1691

May 19 12 1:24 PM

It was the first day of school...

The kindergartners were now first graders.

The teacher made an announcement to the class -

"Now that you are in the first grade,
We will need to work on using grown-up words and not using baby words anymore...

...Let's tell everyone what we did over the summer!".

Well, the first little girl got up and said that she went to see her "nana" over the vacation.

The teacher said "that's good! But, we need to start saying grandma like a grown-up, not nana that's a baby word."

The next little boy got up and said with a big smile that he went for a long ride on a "choo-choo".

The teacher said "I bet that was exciting!
But, we need to start saying train like a grown-up, not choo-choo, that's a baby word."

Well, the last little boy got up to tell what he had done. He said that he read a book.

The teacher said "that's wonderful! Which book did you read?".

The little boy stood up nice and tall,
Puffed out his chest and in his most adult voice he could muster, he said "Winnie the S.hit"

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Posts: 1691

May 19 12 1:53 PM

Top 10 things that sounds dirty in golf...

10.Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I barley can walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

And #1 thing that sounds dirty, but in golf isn't -

1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.

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bearded bicycles

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Beard Legend

Posts: 1481

May 19 12 3:42 PM

Certified Advisor

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the %$%+ is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

bearded bicycles

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Beard Legend

Posts: 1481

May 19 12 3:43 PM

Certified Advisor

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

.

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Posts: 1691

May 19 12 3:58 PM

Nice ones, BB smiley: laugh

---

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat in this?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: " Im sorry if Ive been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Football.

b. Golf.

c. How fat you are.

d. How much prettier she is than you

e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads.

b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c. That depends on what you mean by love.

d. Does it matter? I'll !@+# anyone

e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?

b. I wouldnt call you fat, but youre not exactly thin.

c. A little extra weight looks good on you.

d. Ive seen fatter. But You has bigger boobs

e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think shes prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality

b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner

c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age

d. Define pretty

e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat").

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not - dont you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldnt you remarry?

MAN: Okay, Id get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She cant use them; shes left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -

MAN: Sh&%.

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beardedemt

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Beard Friendly

Posts: 47

May 22 12 3:16 AM

Two elderly people living in a nursing home decide to get it on. After some planning they meet up in a broom closet and start undressing. The woman stops the man and says, " before we start you should know I've acute angina." To which he responds, "good, 'cause you've nasty tits."

Hagar

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Beard Master

Posts: 745

May 22 12 8:44 AM

LOKL to all and welcome to the new Members, !*%$ looks like i lost a place here

To make up hope you guys enjoy

Teacher hands a class project for the weekend and its for the class to go home and report on any new business ventures in the areas,
on Monday before class starts the teacher advises all the girls to stand up and leave if little Johnny starts being lewd and disgusting.
As the day goes each class mate has a chance to present their assingment and as usual the teacher leaves little Johnny for last and as Litlle Johnny Begins "in My neighborhood they are opening a Brothel" the girls begin to exit the class Johnny Bellows Out "Hold On bitches Its Not Opened Yet!!!!"

A Man without a Beard is Like a Lion without a Mane!!!!

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bearded bicycles

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Beard Legend

Posts: 1481

May 22 12 12:33 PM

Certified Advisor

A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her +*+@+. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my +*+@+. I thought it was foreplay for
something a bit heavier".

The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.

bearded bicycles

[-]

Beard Legend

Posts: 1481

May 22 12 12:43 PM

Certified Advisor

Once there was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying. A younger man walked up to him and asked "What's wrong?" The old man replied "I am married to a sexy 21 year old woman who gives me two blowjobs a day and we have sex the minute I get home from work and right after dinner." The young man had a strange look on his face and asked "What's so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life." The old man replied "I can't remember where I live!"

pipedope.deuceswild

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Beard Regular

Posts: 154

May 22 12 10:45 PM

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck , %@!+!."

My bucket's got a hole in it.

WeirdyWithABeardy

[-]

Beard Legend

Posts: 1961

May 22 12 11:07 PM

KaMiKaZe wrote:
It was the first day of school...
The kindergartners were now first graders.
The teacher made an announcement to the class -
"Now that you are in the first grade,
We will need to work on using grown-up words and not using baby words anymore...
...Let's tell everyone what we did over the summer!".
Well, the first little girl got up and said that she went to see her "nana" over the vacation.
The teacher said "that's good! But, we need to start saying grandma like a grown-up, not nana that's a baby word."
The next little boy got up and said with a big smile that he went for a long ride on a "choo-choo".
The teacher said "I bet that was exciting!
But, we need to start saying train like a grown-up, not choo-choo, that's a baby word."
Well, the last little boy got up to tell what he had done. He said that he read a book.
The teacher said "that's wonderful! Which book did you read?".
The little boy stood up nice and tall,
Puffed out his chest and in his most adult voice he could muster, he said "Winnie the S.hit"

LOL

My Beard Journey

The Beard Society

Hagar

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Beard Master

Posts: 745

May 23 12 7:24 AM

A man sits at the table in the kitchen early one cold morning,sipping his coffee slowly and in deep thought.
His wife comes donw to find him sitting in the dead still and notices a single tear drop forming and rolling down his cheek.

She enters as quietly as humanly possible and moved by the sight takes a seat next to her husband and takes his hands into hers and looking lovingly at him.
She enquires what has brought these emotions to light and the husband takes his time to gather his thoughts.
He replies:
"Today is our 25th anniversary and i just thought of the words your father told me, that if i did not marry you he would have made sure i went to prison for 25 years!! Today i would have been a free MAN!!!!"

A Man without a Beard is Like a Lion without a Mane!!!!

pipedope.deuceswild

[-]

Beard Regular

Posts: 154

May 23 12 1:14 PM

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out- "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says,"Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

My bucket's got a hole in it.

pipedope.deuceswild

[-]

Beard Regular

Posts: 154

May 23 12 1:20 PM

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale .'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh!t.

My bucket's got a hole in it.

.

[-]

Posts: 1691

May 24 12 10:56 AM

LOL Pipe, that's some nice ones

I got one for you... You remind me it after I've read your sig...

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up near my ass crack and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says... "You idiot!
"You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

smiley: roll

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Sleibhin

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Beard Regular

Posts: 115

May 25 12 2:17 PM

Haha some of these jokes are great...so here's hopefully another one...

The Little Rascals are all sitting in class one day. The teacher says, "Alright class, we're going to do some word exercises. I'm going to give you a word, and I want one of you to use that word in a sentence. Your first word is 'Love' "

Alfalfa stands up and says, "I love dogs."

"Good job Alfalfa! Alright class, your next word is 'Respect.' "

Spanky stands up, "I respect that Alfalfa loves dogs."

"Very good Spanky! Alright class, I've got one more for you, and this one is a bit harder but I think you'll be able to do it. The last word is 'Dictate' "

Everyone looks around at each other puzzled until finally Buckwheat stands up and says, "Hey Darla, how my dictate?"

Sleibhin

[-]

Beard Regular

Posts: 115

May 25 12 2:35 PM

Alright, another one...

An elderly woman is pulled over on the highway by a patrolman for speeding. They go through the typical protocol (license, registration, etc.) and while the woman is pulling out her license the trooper notices that she also has a conceal & carry permit.

Trooper asks, "Conceal & carry eh? Are you carrying right now?"

Woman replies, "Yes, sir. I have a .357 Magnum here in the center console, a .45 in the glove compartment, a 12-gauge in the trunk, and I keep a .38 snubnose in an ankle holster."

Trooper goes wide-eyed and queries, "Jesus Christ lady! What are you afraid of?"

Casually the woman replies, "Not a fu*king thing."

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