As I lay in bed a few days ago, unable to sleep after a seemingly interminable spate of meetings at work, my mind wandering to all sorts of things including my beard, I started thinking about how my life has changed by wearing a big beard.  By ‘big beard’ I mean a beard that’s 12 inches (30 cm) and longer, a point I reached roughly in June of 2015.  That’s the length at which I realized I was consciously making decisions and developing habits to deal having a huge mass of hair hanging off my face.  What I’m talking about here are the more mundane aspects of daily life.  Thankfully the mental shenanigans of watching my face change so dramatically late in life are now behind me, at least I hope they are.  That guy I see in the mirror every morning is the Tom I’ve come to know and that grey mass that frames his face is just as much a part of him as the receding hairline and puffy eyes (from lack of sleep, perhaps?). 

As I lay there I thought it might be fun to chronicle the pros, the cons, and the indifferences of wearing a big beard.  So, starting with this installment, I’ll post occasionally on some aspect of life with a big beard as I experience it, and what better way to kick it off than with the topic that started this post – sleeping - often the most frustrating or difficult or annoying thing about a big beard for me.  So, here goes.

Sleeping, or lack of it, with a big beard:

Pro:  Yes, pro, singular.  There is only one thing about having a big beard that I actually enjoy when sleeping.  I know this is going to sound odd but I get a curious sense of comfort and well-being feeling this huge mass around my neck as I lay in bed.  Perhaps it’s how a child feels as he cuddles a stuffed animal or his favorite blanket.  I guess it shows I’m just a big baby after all.

Indifference:  Again, just one, the beard as air-filter or face mask.  This actually took a lot of getting used to for me.  I sleep on my stomach most of the time, so as my beard grew it started covering my mouth and nose, something that, at first, made me feel a bit claustrophobic on those occasions where I’d wake up in the middle of the night.  Now it’s no big deal.  I just lay there all night breathing through my beard and if I wake up with my face buried in a wad of hair it no longer bothers me and I can go right back to sleep rather than dealing with a panic attack. 

Cons:  Plural, lots of them.

1.    1) Rolling over involves calisthenics.  Since I sleep on my stomach and my beard now goes well below my sternum I have to do almost a full push-up just to move my head, something that requires coming to near-full consciousness to execute.  It’s not fun.  I know you’re thinking “Tom, why not tie up your beard?” and I’ll get to that in the next bullet.  I suppose there’s some consolation in knowing that I’m getting some additional exercise but I’m not sure the trade-off in the time it takes to go back to sleep is worth it. 

2.           2) Getting ready for bed isn’t bliss.  I’ve tried braiding, tying-up, and just letting my beard hang naturally and all have their downsides.  Braids do a good job of keeping the beard somewhat contained but that come as the expense of comfort.  Try sleeping with thick rope (noose?) around your neck and down your chest and you’ll see what I mean.  It ain’t pleasant but I do it sometimes anyway, apparently to remind myself just how much I dislike it.  Ties are worse.  They tend to tug on the sheets and pull out hairs, so I quickly swore off those.  Just letting it flow is the most comfortable but comes at the expense of mobility (see bullets 1 and 3).  So, to avoid the angst of trying to decide among the lesser of three evils I just go to bed wearing my beard however it is I wore it during the day, which is usually with a small braid (about 4 inches) at the bottom.  This works pretty well but leads to a particularly egregious case of bed beard but, being the inveterate procrastinator that I am, I don’t have to deal with that until morning, unless bullet 4 happens.

3.    3) Lack of mobility is a real issue.  There’s more here than just the rolling over problem that I mentioned in bullet 1.  My beard always seems to get pinned by some body part – chest, forearm, elbow, armpit, fist.  It’s usually not a big deal, except for the chest as mentioned previously, but it is annoying.  What is a big deal, a REALLY big deal, is the occasional conversation that ensues when one of my wife’s body parts is the offender.  Well, come to think of it, a yelp of pain hardly constitutes a conversation but her commentary upon being awakened by the yelp does, as she makes sure that, while freeing me, I fully understand that she’s none too pleased with being awakened from what was, unfailingly, a particularly nice dream. 

4.    4) Naps are pretty much a thing of the past.  I work from home a lot and one of the joys of that used to be the occasional post-prandial snooze.  Not any more.  I usually workout in the late morning and shower just before having lunch, which means my beard is at its fullest just about the time that precious nap sets in, so laying down results in a rather offensive case of bed-beard, so bad that I typically have to rewet my beard to fix it if I’m planning to go out.  I’ve tried many times just laying on my back – I’m just dozing, after all - but I invariably wake up in my usual position with my face planted firmly in the pillow and my beard now cast in some abstract, vagabond-esque design. 

So, there you have it, my life trying to get some rest while wearing a big beard.  If you’ve made it this far I hope I haven’t put you off growing a big beard!  While these annoyances are real they fall far short of countering the pleasure that wearing this beard brings.  I just figured I’d start with the worst so that the story improves in future chapters. 

Now, with that, I need a nap.

Cheers!

Tom



Some helpful links:
Library Central of Beard Growing


Taming the Wild Mustache
Tips for eating and drinking with a big mustache

Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. ~ W. Somerset Maugham
A jerk with a beard is just a bearded jerk, but a bearded gentleman is awesomeness personified. ~ Triibeard