Wow, you DO have too much time on your hands! But I like the way you think. Beards are easy to get very attached to, and something that you would feel naked without (and you will, if you end up caving and shaving!). I doubt that many men talk to their beards in the way one might talk to a plant, because the beard is simply a part / extension of the self. I mean, you don't talk to your johnson do you? lol!

Anyway. Given that you like to ponder such things, I bet that one of these days in a few weeks you might have the fabled "beard dream", in which your beard is gone and you bolt upright in bed only to breathe a huge sigh of relief that it's still there :-)